Read this for yourself and see what memories stir within you. I'm pleased to report I didn't have to resort to these measures, but I'm glad Jack recalled the incident to my mind. You see, the umbrella, like the little baby-type pumpkin, was just a red herring. During the moment my intended aggressor was either stunned or laughing, I would run up to him, kick him in the balls, rip off his arm, shove it up his nose, lock him in the trunk of his car, push it into the ditch, then it'd be RUN, FOREST. If a car pulled over in front of me, and the driver got out and demanded my dough, I would assume the stance of a samurai warrior, brandish my umbrella, hit the button that made it longer, then give a high pitch cackle (which I occasionally practiced on my way). (My legs were sore for days.) A few parts of my route were unlit, and I could've been attacked at any time, but I had a plan. Besides, I thought the exercise would do me good since I worked a sedentary job at the time. I was too proud to ask for a ride, though I could think of several people who would've been more than happy to help me out. Once when I had to walk home five miles on a dark night that threatened rain, I made sure I had my umbrella with me. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade." I can relate to causing that kind of distraction. One reminded me of a plan I had in my own life (course, what doesn't remind me of something else): "If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Some showcase some idiosyncrasies of the human condition: "I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!" ![]() Most are just off-the-wall silly, which speaks to me: "Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Have we learned nothing about "waste not, want not" from the time of want that was The Great Depression? (Based on what I witnessed during the great recession, I would say "no," but I digress.) Some offer very practical advice: "Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have." It makes good, economic sense, if you ask me. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling." So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. One of them might have been at the root of Obama's philosophy on how to succeed in America: I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge." "I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. Some give us insight into why some people behave the way they do: Then there are others that kill me such as "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." Maybe I think it's so-so because I've heard it so much. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers." I don't know that doesn't do a thing for me.Īnd some of them were merely just fine like the classic "The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw," which I always thought was overrated, and never understood why it was the go-to Deep Thoughts quote, but there it is. ![]() I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. Not all of the quotes were hits such as "Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. At all.īut when it was on point, it was frocking on point! I rarely missed an episode in the early 90's when I was in high school, and that's the time when Jack Handey was doing his deal. It's too self-important, and it just isn't funny. I try to watch it once every year or two to see if it's gotten any better, and the last time was so agonizing that I couldn't make it through 20 minutes. The late 70's and early 90's shows were actually funny. The section during early 2000's ended up catapulting some really talented people into bigger careers, but even that period is just mediocre when compared to the other two, though I know of several people who disagree with that assessment. Other than that time and a couple of years in the late 70's, SNL sucks. This is a book of quotes that were shared on Saturday Night Live in the early 90's which is one of the two periods when the show was actually worth watching.
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